Bad feelings.

We've band today, yeah we have. Never ever felt so dread of band until now. Sick and tired of all the people not wanting band to achieve a better standard and felt dreadful because i feel that attending band practices are meaningless. Even though i did mentioned before Mr Ong was the reason why i was so hardcore about band, but this time i really feel that mr ong is giving up too. I didn't want to feel bad, or sorry for the plight band is in now. i just feel unjustified for everything we have to suffer, no one actually cares about anything the band is going through so they most probably don't have a slight clue towards what point i am trying to make. I'm really giving up now. I'm dead serious. I don't even care what we would obtain next year, because no one does. I see no pt in obtaining a silver during 2011. School didn't care, STUDENTS didn't care. So what if we put in so much effort when the fucking school only cares about the choir? They've got musical performance outside school many times without us, WENT TO HONGKONG WITHOUT US, STUDENT LEADERSHIP TRAINING FOR ALMOST ALL THE CHOIR MEMBERS. So what if we obtain a sliver after 10 years? CHOIR FROM COP TO SILVER so YEAH AND thats why SCHOOL TREAT THEM LIKE GOD. Mostly because of Lennie Chua let me point this out. OMG i'm very very disguested with his behavior towards the band members. One time during teacher's day, band members form a mini-band and went to audition even though didn't got picked because it was "TOO DULL" but at least we have the decency to step up and audition, EVEN ONE BAND MEMBER STOOD UP AND SANG. what did BELOVED CHOIR DID? Nothing, nobody from choir went for the audition. Ending up Lennie Chua went to scold the choir for not having the decency to show up the audition and say that if band people can turn up the audition and sang, why can't the choir members take initiative like band members.  Like people from band are not suppose to sing during audition. LOL. I seriously cannot take his double-sided attitude, infront of us he's an "ANGEL" behind of us he's taking away all privileges and benefits from us THAT FUCKING PSYCHO DEMON BASTARD. I have a lot to say about all the humiliation band suffered throughout my years in band. It would take days or months to finish my "ESSAY". Well, lets not talk about band anymore. Band had it good times and bad times. Well, we just have to let good memories stay and others can get the fuck out. I will miss Mr Benard Ong A LOT, i know that. I don't know if i should start the topic on friends? 

Well, i have made many close friends in my secondary school years, WELL nt as many as THOSE BITCHES IN school have. But it's countable with both hands. I am just the foolishest shit on earth. Hurt many times and didn't learn my lesson. But i just trust others easily. Most times my secrets may have been spilled. But i have no other choices left. I either tell that person, or no one else. Yeah, right. I have no one else. I have no Best Friends, be it even best friend. I don't have a person who could actually understand me just by one look. No one. I wish i could find that person, i would die to find that person. I seriously will. Me and shuhui, well.... Everything is just complicated. I don't know how to define my friendship with her, perhaps she's still sticking abt with me because she can't bare to ditch me? Yeah, i always had that feeling. Well she is you know mixable. She could blend in very very well. Well, you know what? I'm not. IM NOT COFFEE, i can't mix well with water. No i can't. I'm rock, i don't blend in, i don't fit in. I know who i am as a person i know. I judge people, so what makes other think i don't judge myself? I'm irritating, bossy, rude, fat, annoying, fucked up, BAD-TEMPERED, judgmental, backstabber, untrustable, will do anything to climb up to the top, use other people to climb up, competitive, i'm a bad ass. WELL I KNOW THAT ABOUT MYSELF, I DO. but why can't i find someone who could accomodate that fact about me and love me for being a loyal friend?  I hope i can truly find that one person who could share my common interest and love everything i love. I SWEAR I WILL NEVER LET THAT PERSON GO. How i wish i got a sister. :( I'm sad because i've no true friends, yeah. thats why life sucks. Well, all my close friends are no longer close to me but close to my enemies. I seriously hate the fact that your friends who actually know what you were going through and yet chose to make things hard for you. I hate secondary life. I HATE IT, REALLY REALLY HATE IT. how foolish of primary sch teacher to tell us that bttr things in life happens in secondary school. No i don't. In fact i hated both my pri and sec school days. Grades are what keep me going. There's no better things in life. I hate all the decision i've made and i really regretted them. Try so hard to change my attitude but people made it worst. Like matthew for example, OMG HE'S TRYING TO TEST ME SEE HOW RAGE I CAN GO? I CAN'T STAND HIM ANYMORE, OR AGNES, I'M DEAD SERIOUS. Since they're gonna be fake, i can be fake too. If the world is like that, i will try my best to fit in. OKAY. Done, my ranting shall stop now. Hopefully one day i could look back at these stupid moments when i feel pathetic about myself.